Photo of the man your phone could sound like

Hello Ladies

This is the man your phone could sound like

Hello callers, the lovely slash talented slash intelligent and beautiful slash sophisticated lady at Hello, you have dialled

is unable to take your call. She's busy the tall accomplished man you're calling can't come to the phone right now because they're

enjoying a delicious lobster dinner I prepared just for her while carrying her on my back safely through piranha infested waters

cracking walnuts with their man-mind

on Reddit

working on the means of teleportation so we can talk in person

winning exotic car-throwing competitions

ingesting my delicious OldSpice man-smell

riding a horse backwards with me

listening to me read romantic poetry while I make a bouquet of paper flowers from each read page

being serenaded on the moon with a view of the earth whilst surviving on the oxygen in my lungs via a passionate kiss

piloting a zepelin over a bacon factory

polishing their monocle smile

building an orphanage for children with their bare hands while playing a sweet, sweet lullaby for those children with two mallets against their abs xylophone

ripping out mass-loads of weights

but she'll get back to you as soon as she can. but leave a message and they'll return your call as soon as possible.

Holler. <no flourish> <OldSpice theme> Silverfish hand catch! This voicemail is now diamonds. I'm on a phone. I'm on a horse. I can however offer you this. It's a freshwater fish. I caught it just for you. SWAN DIVE. Doo Doo doo Doo doo Doo DOO Doo Oh my GOD.

And no ladies, I already have the phone numbers of every single one of you. I don't need to keep the ones you type in here.